In his new film, The Martian, Matt Damon’s character unsurprisingly needs saving‒ again.
This guy is worse than a Disney princess. Whether it’s on Mars, the other side of the galaxy, or behind enemy lines, Damon is constantly in need of a seemingly impossible rescue. The real question is why, after so many failed attempts, do we continue to send Matt Damon into outrageous scenarios which inevitably require billions of dollars to rescue him, only so he can undo all efforts by getting stuck in another equally or more absurd situation. The shear monetary cost of just The Martian and Interstellar, makes an average rescue, a minimum one billion dollar investment. While I don’t believe in putting a price on human life, I am officially drawing the line with Matt Damon.
Let’s examine where this one billion dollars comes from. Building the Hermes in The Martian would be the single most expensive vehicle in history with its new advancements in nuclear energy and centrifuge ring technology. It would be the same order of magnitude as the International Space Station and would require years of scientific development and thousands of hardworking employees. And in Interstellar, NASA constructs a spaceship that can travel to Saturn, through a wormhole, to other planets, then back through the wormhole, and back to Earth. I’m not an expert in space ship costs, but anything that can travel halfway across the universe can’t be cheap.
In the latest edition of Damon in Distress, Damon’s Mark Watney character in, The Martian, does plenty to stay alive while he’s on his own, but in the end, still needs five people to risk their lives all just to save him. Not to mention the millions spent worldwide just trying to get one man home. And the only knowledge gained from this entire expedition is that a single man can request an entire planet’s worth of resources and effort and miraculously have it adhered to.
Does the premise of an expensive space rescue sound familiar? Well consider Interstellar. Damon’s character, Dr. Mann, winds up on an alien planet willingly, as part of mankind’s grand experiment to colonize another planet before it ruined Earth. He would have died in the wet coffin he shut himself into if not for his little act of self-preservation that drew Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway flying in. They were supposed to save humankind, but Matt Damon lied so they’d save him instead, and how did he repay them? Right. He tried to kill Matthew McConaughey and effectively blew up a space station. Thanks for nothing, Matt.
Saving Private Ryan? The title says it all. Tom Hanks and his squad go to impossible lengths through enemy territory in World War II to try pulling him out to save his family’s bloodline. When they finally find him, what did he do? Oh yeah, he acted like a stubborn child and convinced Tom Hanks and his platoon to take on an entire bloody army. And look where it got Hanks. Thanks again, Matt.
At this point people can only hope that Matt Damon’s reign of arrogance and typical frustrating archetype, will end sometime soon.